I suddenly remembered i have this blog. Yes, after 2 years. Thanks to the auto-saved password, i was able to get into this account. I read through all my previous posts..they seem positively cute! Well, let’s see if i can get back to my previous routine of daily posting silly tidbits here. This was the warm up.
Latest Entries »
I hate cold. And cough. And sneezing. Well the entire package! And do you know what is worse than that? spending two consecutive days at home! I can’t wait to get out of this place tomorrow!
Hey, guess what? The proxy ma’m has sent me a message on FB regarding certain information…I’m curious as to what exactly is cooking… got to ask him. Can’t wait to get some juicy tidbit. Life has been pretty bland since the past few days. will keep you updated!
A few days back, I was sitting in our drawing-room listening to the intent conversation between my mother and my aunt..regarding their lives. I wasn’t contributing in the conversation frankly what could I contribute to a two 40 year old’s discussion but was simply looking at these two women and listening to them emote their feelings. As i kept on observing, suddenly it crossed my mind- what were they like two decades back..when they were around my age? What i see today is tired faces where the wrinkles of age and experience are making an appearance and eyes that often have a resigned, faraway look. I wonder, did they ever see this day coming? Did it ever cross their mind that two decades later they’d be sitting in the plush but suffocating comfort of their home which had in more ways than one claimed their individuality, self-respect, dreams and ambitions? Probably not. Which 20-year-old thinks of it anyway?
Two decades back, they were two bright young girls, still in college maybe, dreaming to be a graduate and working and being independent. In the quaint little towns of Bangladesh, in those male dominated quarters, that too in the 20th century, these very thoughts were ambitious enough. I could imagine them walking into the premises of their colleges..head held high, their dupatta properly pinned and books clutched tight to their chest. Maybe during one of the particularly boring lectures they looked out of their windows into the distant sky…let their mind wander lazily over the shape of the clouds. Maybe they used to sit huddled in a group..with all the girls giggling over the latest movie or gossiping about a teacher. Maybe the day their best friend stopped coming to college because her marriage has been fixed, they sat alone on the steps looking at the lonesome yet fully blossomed krishnachura tree at a distance, and soon tears of bittersweet memories had blurred their vision into streaks of green and red.
Maybe they had secretly cut their long lustrous hair in order to copy the emerging stylish starlet and were rebuked by their mothers and grandmothers. Maybe they used to suddenly, without any reason, hug their mothers while they worked in the kitchen and were affectionately patted on their cheek. Maybe they used to keep a diary too where they had written about that boy in the neighborhood who regularly glances their way sending their heart to flutters. They were not allowed to fall in love. But their heart was free to weave wishful thoughts…like the ones seen in movies…to hum a romantic tune on a cloudy day..to compose ardent poems for their heart’s desire and read them lovingly every night in the privacy of their rooms.
What had happened when they were informed of their impending marriage? When the long known yet self denied truth was all of a sudden there to engulf them in a future where they will be taken for granted in every step of their life. Where their existence as a woman will be lost in the mesh of being a daughter in law..wife and mother.
Did they lie awake all night and shed silent tears? Did they stand in front of their window on a windy evening..and after one last look at those loving poems..tear those pages up and throw them away? Did they run their hand, softly, one last time over the books and copies and felt a heart crushing sigh escape? Maybe they did. Inspite of all these, maybe they were in some way or the other prepared to lose their individuality for the sake of their immediate and future family. This could be the reason for the resigned look in their eyes…maybe they had it all along. Yet, such great sacrifices. Such unbelievable strength. In that mere 20 year age…they had traveled so far ahead..they had grown so much.
I wonder, if I have half the strength of making such sacrifices as they had when they were of my age. Maybe not. Because I’ve not gone through what they have. I’m lucky to have born at a time and place which has allowed me to love and stand for myself. I have every inch of the pride, aggressive self-respect and determination of making dreams a reality that every woman of my time has. But on the other hand, we do lack the quiet strength..the ability to compromise to unbelievable extent..the courage of self-sacrifice.. which our mothers or aunts have..the ability which has kept so many families anchored.
I got up from where i was sitting..and gave each of the ladies a sudden big tight hug and a kiss on the cheek.
As i walked out of the room..the affectionate quip..” pagli meye ekta…kobe je boro hobe”…followed me. I looked out at the red sunset outside…the birds flying and the swaying trees…my eyes moistened and I smiled.